It’s getting to be that time of year. The time where we buy our champagne, get ready to flip the calendar, and make that New Year’s resolution to go to the gym and get in shape. And you do it, for two weeks. You make the gym too crowded for the regulars who are mad because they look at you and think “Who are they kidding?” And then you get home … panting like a German Shepherd in August … and you think: “Who am I kidding?”
I’m sure NHL personalities make New Year’s resolutions too. Some of them might be fun. But just because they are athletes or coaches with steel resolves doesn’t mean that all of them will stick to their resolutions. But we thought it would be fun to imagine what kind of resolutions hockey players and teams would make if they could. And if they would actually keep to their word. So here are a few that we think should be made:
Kevin Cheveldayoff: “I resolve to make a trade for a player that will make the Winnipeg Jets better”.
It took Cheveldayoff over three years to make a player for player trade as the GM of the Jets. He made his first blockbuster with the Evander Kane trade. We’re starting to get to that point where Jets fans would like to see progress, or at least an effort to infuse some talent into this roster. And with Travis Hamonic’s desire to play for a Canadian team due west, the opportunity is there.
But with the Jets so low in the standings, the opportunity to make a trade for the here and now may have passed. It’s too bad.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 3/10
John Tortorella: I resolve to stop belittling my players to the media.
Ha. That’s funny. One, because leopards don’t change their spots for stripes. And two, because belittling his players works. Two nights after blasting the Jackets for a lack of leadership, they win 6-3 … against Dallas! So, good luck with that.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 1/10
The Anaheim Ducks: We resolve to remind the rest of the league that we were preseason Stanley Cup favorites.
Well, you can show them press clippings and remind them, sure. But I’m guessing you’d like other teams to turn around and say “Oh yeah, those Ducks are pretty good.” I suppose things can’t get much worse after a 1-7-2 start, and since then you’ve been okay at 12-8-4. And I suppose that Ryan Getzlaf will score more than two goals in the next 34 games. But the hole is too deep to climb out of.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 4/10
Johnny Gaudreau: I resolve to continue to be awesome at hockey.
The only thing that can stop this kid is injury.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 9.5/10
(Note: Substitute Vladimir Tarasenko for Johnny Gaudreau and you have the same result.)
The Washington Capitals: We resolve to get past the New York Rangers this May.
The Capitals … nature’s underachievers … seem to finally be putting it all together. They’ve made good trades, Braden Holtby is having the type of season that people have been expecting for three years, and Alex Ovechkin is Alex Ovechkin. They’re well ahead of everybody else in the Metro. But the question then becomes: When the money is on the line and blue sweaters are across from them, will they remember the series leads that they’ve blown to them? And how will it affect them? Ovechkin’s teams have beaten the Rangers in the playoffs fairly recently. But not immediately recently. And we all know that the regular season doesn’t matter come April and May.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 7/10 (If they don’t do it this season, it might never happen.)
Carey Price/Montreal Canadiens: I resolve to be healthy.
It’s hard to put a percentage of probability of health. Mainly because I’m not a doctor. But of all the players in the league, Price might be the most indispensible. There’s a stat called IIT … Injury Impact to Team. And Carey Price leads all goalies in that category. You don’t want to lead that group.
So instead of “Chances of keeping this resolution”, because again … I’m not a doctor … I will make the following proclamation:
Chances of the Canadiens winning the Cup if Carey Price can’t keep this resolution: 1/10
David Zabolotny: I resolve to never … ever … do this again:
You know what … shame is powerful. So I believe him.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 9/10
Roberto Luongo: I resolve to tweet more than once a month.
You know, I do a weekly feature called “Tweets of the Week”. You might have heard of it. I decided to feature something called “The Roberto Luongo Tweet of the Week” because he’s funny, engaging, and a social media darling. So what happens? Of course he only tweets once a month after that. Dude … it’s not fair. It’s not fair to your followers who love and respect you, and it’s not fair to me. I’m trying to do something cute and funny so that my editor will like me and you’re blowing it for me. You’re blowing it!!!
Chances of keeping this resolution: 4/10
Jonathan Bernier: I resolve to stop the puck more often.
Bernier gave up six goals in 21 shots against the Islanders on Tuesday. That’s a save percentage of .600. His GAA just says “LOL”. (Actually, it’s 3.32.) So he can say he’s going to stop the puck more often. And I could go to the gym more often too. I think the chances are the same on either one.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 2/10 (Chances of me going to the gym more often: 1/10 … so maybe not quite the same.)
The Pittsburgh Penguins: We resolve to stop being so dysfunctional.
Dysfunctional, in many cases, just means not living up to capability. And the Penguins are certainly not living up to their pedigree. But after a GM change, a coaching change, and a proclamation by Evgeni Malkin that everyone is mad at each other, there’s something more than meets the eye here. Maybe Marc-Andre Fleury returning from a concussion will calm everything down a bit. But as long as Sidney Crosby continues to have the worst season of his career, perception of dysfunction will continue to be reality.
Chances of keeping this resolution: 5/10
And finally …
Pierre McGuire/NBC: I resolve … just once … to analyze a National Hockey League goal for NBC Sports or NBCSN without mentioning which college or junior team the goal scorer played for. I realize that in my zealousness to help bring hockey to an American audience by bringing the human side of the player into their homes, all I’ve really done is show off my ability to memorize every college that every NHL player has attended. And I’ve probably made some people angry. Yes, Dominic Moore went to Harvard. And now, everybody on planet earth knows that Dominic Moore went to Harvard because I mention it five times a game. I’m not sure that I’ve brought in any new hockey fans with this skill that I have. So maybe I should stop … for the sake of humanity.
Chances of keeping this resolution: -5,000/10
